Leap of Faith

[lucifer666 (deleted)]

I don't know if this is kind of therapeutic for you Ninjabear ... I know if you are to listen to many Psychiatrists today they tell you its good to vent it out ....but what you don't hear that much of and I do also believe this very strongly........ that constantly rethinking, rehashing over the past can also be bad too ....I'm convinced it can keep you trapped in the moment focusing your energies on what you should have said or done or what ifs?and I don't think it aids in the moving on process which through all these thinkbacks you are eventually going to have to confront buddy. And the only way to do that is to attempt to be positive optimistic..... You know it is possible to be happy with no girlfriend for the time being and personally I think you would be better off like that for the moment until you have settled this and resolved this issue in yourself

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
Revelation 6:8

[ninjabear]

Hey Bub, good to see you!

You're right. We must learn from the past, but cannot live there. Trouble is I haven't figured out what went wrong, what keeps going wrong, so I worry it will keep going wrong---gotta find the bug in the system before I can use it again.

Thing is there's a lot more going on here than meets the eye, like a duck on a pond.
It seems so placid as it swims along, but just below the surface its feet are going full power just to keep it afloat and moving.
Boy, do I know how that feels...

[lucifer666 (deleted)]

Did it ever cross your mind NB that it is your selection process at the very beginning that brought you to this ....like in all fairness Pam sounded like she had difficulties from the very start!! I also think and I really don't mean this in a bad way mate but your quite obsessive about it now like your life depended on you finding out exactly what went wrong while the truth is you never truly know for sure people fall out of love all the time ....its just fact of life ....something that just has to be excepted not necessarily comprehended but conceded!!
I personally think the best thing you can do is forget about it ..and I know your first response will be I can't .......but honestly you must....or it will constantly dictate your future!!

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
Revelation 6:8

[ninjabear]

Hate to break it to you Bub, but there are no Playboy bunnies lined up at my door. All my life I've had to settle for what I could get, not what I want.
I'm damaged goods myself, stuck digging through the bargain bin of Life---but it's funny you should say, "like your life depended on you finding out..." although I suppose it does not matter.
Have you never loved so truly, madly, deeply, that you just could not live without her? I can finally say I have but once again, it does not matter.
Every time I get something good, or make even the slightest bit of forward progress I get blindsided by a big red truck---metaphorically speaking.
Precious little matters to me at this point, for I believe I may have finally stolen more chain than I can swim with---no it has nothing to do with Pam.
Of course if she were still here, I'd be willing to put up a fight. Without her, it simply does not seem worth the effort.

[lucifer666 (deleted)]

Bear even your response there is just more indication to me that this is a problem within yourself that you will ultimately have to address and confront. Your life is not defined or at least it shouldn't be defined by the partner you have ...you need to get on with things by yourself and worry about love again when it comes not constantly define yourself by it. I have loved and lost too ....I don't deny its not tough particularly at the time but as my Mother used to say ...."Its just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry" Your not damaged goods Ninjabear your just hurt and your allowing it to fester .....Yeah okay there is no playboy bunnies at your door but eh join the club buddy ...I only have them every second Saturday Of course I'm kidding.... most guys don't have women knocking on their door thats what going out is all about ....to meet people. Are you going out to meet people?


"Of course if she were still here, I'd be willing to put up a fight. Without her, it simply does not seem worth the effort. "

You know in my house if you were to say anything like that my family would give the biggest dressing down to you, you have ever seen ....Where's that American spirit? Where is that die hard determination? Your stronger than that buddy!!

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
Revelation 6:8

[(deleted)]

You knwo NB I can truly understand where your coming from. I always seemed to get the botem of the barel and I've worked hard to find someone that I can trust, but I've had a lot of heart ache sence I started dating. I still haven't found anyone I think worth wile. But I can't let myself get into the serial victom mintality. I know my recent ex was in that mintality when she dumped me becasue I was to nice to her. I guess we can count ourselves as some of the few men that act like gentelmen. But sence we are very few women are used to the jerks and the jacka**es that hurt them. So when we come long they don't knwo what to do with us. I'm still hoping to find that special someone that I can love but untill then all I can do is be myself. Later

[ninjabear]

Where's that die-hard spirit? I've had it beaten out of me, Bub. I've been stabbed in the back so many times, I feel like the display stump on the Shop at Home Knife Collector's Show.

I just found out my two best friends have been lying to me---I suspected, but this morning in a quiet yet surreal, Jerry Springer sort of moment I found out for sure...I am betrayed, yet again.

Anger is counterproductive, killing them is out of the question, but with a few well-chosen words in the wrong ears I could jam them up so hard and fast if they live to be a hundred, they couldn't wriggle out of it.
Of course if I did any of those things I'd be cutting my own throat...which I have to admit at the moment, doesn't seem quite so awful.

It's getting so you can't trust anyone these days...so what to do?

[ninjabear]

"Captain...last man on the ship. That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?" Commodore Decker
"No more me---and no one would miss me." Q
"Screw it...but I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash or Arthur frelling Dent, I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas." John Crichton

I'm at a dead end.
Given my resourcefulness, you wouldn't think that could happen but here I am; at that point where I'm just too tired to see any way out, with nothing to do but go down with my ship.
I don't believe in god, guardian angels, genies in bottles or magic lamps, fairy godmothers, Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy or the Prize Patrol so no, I'm not expecting rescue.
Another lonely holiday in my empty home? Just how much of this do I have to do, before it's okay to just let go?

[caseystiletto_PREV (deleted)]

Threads like this make me cry.
I am so sorry, NB..you seem like such a nice guy, you deserve someone wonderful in your life.
But when you're trying to make a relationship work with someone who has been hurt over and over again and been pushed into a kind of dysfunctionality..then it just doesn't work, or has to be handled with kid gloves...I'm not saying you did anything wrong at all..don't blame yourself, kid.
I'm saying this because I've been hit, strangled, almost (thank God that I can say almost), betrayed, been told I was too ugly and too fat to be seen in public by my boyfriend. For many years, I was the girl you cheated on your girlfriend with, but never dated. I'm saying all of this because it has caused me to have tremendous issues when trying to enter into a "normal" relationship with someone who cares about me. For example, I have a really hard time with people telling me I'm pretty, or even saying "I love you". I still don't believen that they are genuine..I only think they want something from me, that I'm not willing to give up so easily anymore.
Some people can't be loved or give love out unless they can truly love thenselves first...and I think it sounds like your gal didn't have that at the time you were seeing each other.
Anyway, my point is...time heals everything, as cheesy as that sounds. When my last boyfriend broke up with me for the ugliest woman on the face of the planet, I thought I was going to die. But time went on, and I've accepted it and moved on.
Call it Pollyanna of me...but don't let this relationship poison you in the long run. You are worth so much, and you deserved to be loved.

[ninjabear]

Caseystiletto, posts like yours are what keep me going.
Fringey, posts like yours keep me pissed off, and that is sometimes better.
Bub, posts like yours go both ways, and I love you all for being here when I need someone---but Casey?
You should have sent for the free copy of my book. I think you would've got more out of it than just about anyone else here. You are the living, beautiful embodiment in temperment and sweetness of soul...so alike one of my favorite characters.

Now if you'll excuse me it's almost X-Mas eve, and I do believe I've got enough beer to get through the holiday...

[ninjabear]

Survived the holidays, back for a new year and up for a little free thought with my Internet buh-dees.

An important point to make here is fair play.
This has been a decidedly one-sided rant, but I have endeavored to be reasonable and about as fair as my broken heart will allow; I have twice invited the other side to participate.
I sent two emails, which is as far as I'm willing to go given that every time I try more direct contact, I have to explain myself to the local authorities.

I can think only one reason Pam and/or her pastor would decline to participate; they have nothing to challenge.

[ninjabear]

Another point I'd like to stress is that, while I never knew when Pam would stop by, I always dropped whatever I was doing to give her my undivided attention.
I even turned off Star Trek for her; now if that isn't Love, I don't know what is.
(See, I haven't lost my sense of humor.)

[twincarb]

TURNED OFF TREK.!!!!!!! Falls from keyboard in shock!!!
Can relate to that my man, when i had my last tryst with the x wife had to stop watchin SG 1 and it was the start of the series.
Us men will do almost anything for love ( or is it ----), never quite sure.
Happy new year to all, may we all find what we need and need what we find.



Illogical captain

[ninjabear]

Hey, Twincarb, how's it going?
It was love for me, something more like ---- for Pam---then nothing for weeks at a time, then nothing at all. The signs were there, I just tried to convince myself I was wrong---anyone else watch the TV show Cheaters?

A suspicious party contacts the show, and they put a team of private investigators to work. After they've dug up the dirt comes my favorite part, 'the confrontation'.
The unfaithful person and his/her partner are usually angry, often indignant, but always desperate to drive off or evade the TV crew documenting their philandering. Sometimes they try to justify the infidelity, which can be more stomach turning than a roller coaster.

My favorite thus far is the private nurse of a Cancer-stricken wife; the nurse had the nerve to say, "We thought she was going to die."
Having disappointed them by living, the wife contacted Cheaters, had her worst suspicions confirmed and boy did her husband make a damn fool of himself!

I'm reminded of a four star, USMC general who recently testified before the U.S. Congress. This Marine told a room full of politicians, "If you don't want to get caught doing something stupid, then don't do anything stupid."
He's my new hero---who else thinks that simple statement of fact should be carved into stone, for all to see?

[ninjabear]

People cheat all the time.
They cheat on their school work. They cheat on their taxes. They cheat on their lovers---and why do people cheat?

Because they can.
"If there are no consequences, then there are no rules. Someone has to enforce a penalty now and then."
Those of you who think nothing of cheating---and those who don't even see it as cheating---have a word for those of us who believe in duty, integrity, loyalty and honor...suckers.

An all-day sucker is a large, rainbow swirled, sugar disk on a stick...sounds good to me.