Is it even worth it?

[valarules (deleted)]

Sometimes I wonder people even bother with the whole relationship thing when they know it's not going to last. There are times when I wonder why we even bother dating, sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes everything seems perfect then it all comes crashing down around you and in the end at least one person is left in the cold hurting.

[betut]

valarules wrote: Sometimes I wonder people even bother with the whole relationship thing when they know it's not going to last. There are times when I wonder why we even bother dating, sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes everything seems perfect then it all comes crashing down around you and in the end at least one person is left in the cold hurting.

Take heart, Vala, it is worth it. Think of dating as trying on new shoes (no insult to the guys). You won't like every pair you try on but eventually, you find the perfect fit.
I have been very fortunate to never date men who were real jerks, they were just not appropriate for me. However, in dating the guys who were not right, I came to understand exactly what I wanted. When he finally showed up, I was able to recognize him. We were together actually for quiet a while and are still friends.
I know it sounds like a cliche, but heartache really is not permanent.

[ninjabear]

I've said it before, I'll say it again; my grandfather was right when he used to say, "If God made anything better than women, he kept if for himself."

When it works, it's magic---I could have the worst day ever but when Pam came by, everything was perfect. I'll spare you the superlatives but yes, it is worth it, more than anything else in the world.

What I need is a woman, not a selfish, stupid little girl. That's what I thought I'd found, and it was so good while it lasted that I found myself addicted to that feeling, and would give anything for the last 14 months to have never happened...but they did. That time is over.

For broken down old bears like me, there are are so few opportunities for such happiness. I did my best to hold on to a good thing and it got away but if some sexy-sweet brunette (redhead or blonde, I'm not fussy) would like to take Pam's place, she is welcome to try.

"Hopeless Romantic" is an oxymoron.

[(deleted)]

Valarules I know how you feel. I was married for three years to a lady I thought was the perfect one. You don't know sometimes until after you get married the real person. But don't give up it takes alot of good communication skills and faith in the other person. If you lose those things then its not worth continuing with the relationship. I am 44 and divorced for thirteen years now. Being single can have its benefits.

[valarules (deleted)]

Being single might have some benifits, but they're few and far inbetween.

[betut]

valarules wrote: Being single might have some benifits, but they're few and far inbetween.

One of the benefits I have found to being single is that you have the time to learn to like yourself. When I am without a partner, I have the time to develop my own interests and I am not defined or limited by another person. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my friends and family and I REALLY enjoy the experience of being with a smart, sexy man. BUT I also like the opportunity to do the things I want to do without the compromise. Let's face it, any successful relationship is based on compromise and sometimes I just want to be a bit selfish. I have also discovered that the time spent alone becoming more sure of myself makes me more attractive to prospective partners. Because I have travelled, read interesting books and become involved in fun activities, I have more things to discuss. When I was much younger, I was pretty darn shallow--clothes, looks etc...and my relationships were equally shallow. I discovered that when I became more interesting, I had better relationships.
I am not saying you are shallow or uninteresting because you sound like a pretty neat women (any person who likes sci fi is already ahead of the game in my book). But do spend your single time doing what YOU like. Indulge yourself. You will be happy that you did when you finally do meet the person who adds the extra spice to the meal that is your life.

[ninjabear]

Betut is absolutely, 100% correct; you are only what you are when no one is looking.

Why I love this forum is it affords the opportunity to vent frustration, and seek counsel and emotional support; and you can hang out the jerk who done you wrong. Don't do a James Frey (no lies, no exaggerations) but feel free to tell the rest of us where it hurts...then see if there are volunteers to kiss the boo-boo.

More than one person thus far has been surprised to see anyone cares. I tell them, as well as everyone else reading this post, that's what makes us better people than those who screw us over than wander off; then again I'm a full fledged member of the Hero Union (damsels in distress division).

One of my favorite fictional characters said, Every so often something sneaks up on us from behind, whacks us over the head and bends us over. When it's done and your laying there, face down in the dirt; that is where the real test of character begins.

[valarules (deleted)]

ninjabear wrote: Betut is absolutely, 100% correct; you are only what you are when no one is looking.

Then that explains why I'm such a geek when I'm alone.

You're absolutly right, talking about the heartbreak helps to move on. But I still get angry at myself for still getting all emotional over my last ex. and the one thing I learned out of all of that is that you should never date a friend; you might see that it works on TV, but in reality it never does.

As for the benifits of being single, yea you can do whatever you've always wanted to do, but it makes that event that much more special if you have someone to share it with. I hate it that I'm conforming to society's expectations of women (you know; get married have kids, etc.) but I can't help it...there are just somethings that I want in my life that I don't have right now and I've come to a point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to have...

[ninjabear]

A shrink came on some TV newsmagazine (I believe it was Dateline NBC) to explain why a large crowd witnessed a murderous assault, yet none of them did anything to help. He called it the herd mentality; everyone thought someone should do something, but no one wanted to "step away from the herd".

I laughed myself senseless; my bipolar "disorder", my manic/depression, the "affliction" that was "not my fault", made me a better person than anyone else in that crowd. The very thing that makes me feel so painfully isolated from the rest of society, enables me to act when everyone else worries about "getting involved".

You have no idea how many people---especially immediate family members---have told me "people would like you if you weren't so strange," or "why do you have to be so weird?"

Because that's who I am.

You are who you are; never be sorry for that. Don't be angry for getting all emotional about something that matters that much to you. There's nothing wrong with feeling---if you don't feel it, then you may be a sociopath. He must not have been much of a friend to start with, if he can't be your friend now. (I have to respect the person I'm with; she must be a friend first, before she gets promoted to lover.)

Define, geek? Remember you're in a room full of them so the geek, nerd, dufus and the screwy, silly old bear want to know why you don't feel "normal".

[ninjabear]

Who says you have to get married and have kids? This isn't the 1880's, you know. If that's what you want, there's no hurry.

I know what you mean; I rarely go to movies or concerts, dine out---all those things that are so much more fun to share with someone.

Ever been on a riverboat?
A scenic river cruise, great food, entertainment...but no one to share it?
Not worth going to the dock.

[betut]

ninjabear wrote: One of my favorite fictional characters said, Every so often something sneaks up on us from behind, whacks us over the head and bends us over. When it's done and your laying there, face down in the dirt; that is where the real test of character begins.

I had to smile...one of my favorite all time lines is from Third Watch (I know, TV philosophy...). Bosco and his partner are talking about another character getting smacked but also dancing around the issues in Bosco's life. The partner says--"Thats going to leave a mark" and Bosco replies, "Doesn't everything".
I believe that to be a definitel truism. Our character is built from every life event, good or bad.
I actually kind of like this forum! I think it is good for people to discuss issues this way. You find that you are not alone.

[ninjabear]

Another quote, from the same book:
"On this ship you may be left to yourself from time to time but you are never, alone."

Captain Kirk was right to refuse Sybok's little love touch; we learn from everything, but sometimes we fall into patterns and wind up repeating mistakes. Some mistakes, though, are more painful than others:

My previous x-girlfriend stuck me with over $2,100 in cell phone bills; but since her pothead little brother was the one who did most of the damage, I got even by offering the phone records to the State Police Narcotics Unit.

Pam inticed me into depending on her, then deserted me when I needed her most; my revenge is to share the truth with a few hundred (thousand, however many) readers of these forum pages.

The first step to healing is talking about it; but so long as you choose creative, non-violent means, it's also good for the mind and soul to dish out a little of what you've been taking. After all "If there are no consequences, then there are no rules."

[kiraofborg_PREV (deleted)]

Hey everyone,

I am new to this site but I have to tell you, no matter what happens down the road it is always worth it. I hate to sound so cliche, but it really is better to love and lost then never loved at all. Heck, if you can't love, at least you can ---- for a long time till the end comes but have a good time because life is so unsure.

Look at my life for example. I have not been with a man in a very very very long time because I was hurt so bad and did not want to take a chance. I found this site by accident or fate, you decide, and through the magic of the web I have found some very sweet people who I hope want to get to know me better. I am willing to take a chance and this type of forum is even more dangerous because its all emotional till we can finally meet.

I say to all of you, take that chance, reach out for love or the ------- touch of another because as my name implies.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

[iswallowedabug (deleted)]

valarules wrote: Being single might have some benifits, but they're few and far inbetween.

Chocolate. When you're single, you don't have to share your chocolate.

(okay, I have heard that sometimes someone you are seeing will
"bring" you chocolate, but then they might expect you to share)

[iswallowedabug (deleted)]

[quote="ninjabear"]Betut is absolutely, 100% correct; you are only what you are when no one is looking.

Emerson wrote that "It is easy in the world to live after the world's
opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is
he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the
independence of solitude."

Isn't the goal to find someone with whom you can be who you
truly are?

It may be corny, but I think a part of falling for someone else is that
it lets us fall for ourselves. When someone else is expressing an
interest in us, it reminds us of how cool we actually are. Ideally,
we don't need others for that validation (although it's nice to get).

True, when you're with someone, you tend to emphasize parts of
yourself depending on their personality/interests, and de-emphasize
other parts of yourself, but in the end, I usually find relationships
reaffirm who I am rather than get me away from myself.
(A good movie that deals with such things is "Truly Madly Deeply"
with Alan Rickman)